It always fascinates us when we achieve something on our own. It is satisfying to know that we can do something big with our own bare hands.
Growing up being the sixth child of my parents — we are seven by the way — , competition is important. Fighting for your own is important. Fighting for your ideals is tiresome. Heck, even fighting for the last bread on the breakfast table is a literal fight.
I remember my parents teaching me “Do the right thing even if you are the only one doing it”.
Never knew that most of the time, the right thing is not a crowd thing. The right thing is just you standing on the crossroad waiting for the traffic sign to be green even though all the people are already walking.
My parents' words are right and I still keep that in my heart. But what happened next was that I rely much on the things I think were right. I looked at people as if they are all doing it wrong and I am doing it right.
I learned and kept my ideals of good to myself. I sometimes used them to devour someone in an argument, just to prove that I am better. I’ve become a “good” person because that is my main ideal and become a critic of the hypocrisy of other people, especially church-goers. I look at them as sheep who are weak enough to be needing a crowd.
Then I met their shepherd. The Shepherd.
And like Saul meeting Him as the light on the road to Damascus, I’ve had a life-changing conversation with Him.
I heard Him say “You’re not a wolf”. Mocking my strength, looking down on my own established philosophy. Then He invited me to His flock. But I refused “I am not as weak as them”. He just looked me in the eyes as if saying two things:
You are not a wolf. You are a sheep, lost in the woods for a long time, thinking you survived like a wolf.
I trusted the Shepherd on this word. I try to live with these people. I’ve had a different goal in my life. From living with myself to living in the crowd. From just dealing with my own emotion to dealing with different stories. I realized that their strength is not from the crowd but from the Shepherd.
Well, it is not a smooth life. It is not a “when I decide to be with them I realize they are smart” — Hmmm, Yes and No. I knew their capabilities but also I don’t know how many times I said to the Shepherd “God, these sheep are foolish!”. Then the Shepherd will just say “Do you remember the times when you are acting a wolf while you are not, that’s funny and foolish, right?”.
Yes. That sassy.
But comparing my life back then to a life living with the people of Jesus is like comparing a dull short story to a greatly elaborate unending TV series. My life becomes a multi-genre episode.
All the people around me now are not a competition. They are part of the character of a bigger story. Finally, I saw them cry. I saw them got broken. I saw that they are truly strong, facing trials, and yet remain to stand. I saw me in their story. I saw the satisfaction of being with these people instead of the satisfaction of being above them.
As a wolf, I wanted to leave a giant footprint behind me for all the other people to look at when they pass by.
As a sheep of God, I wanted to look back on the trace of my life and see my tiny footprints to be erased by thousand of other footprints following the same path.
I am not a wolf. I acted like one. I achieved to be one. I climbed to the top. But when a sheep achieved the goals of a wolf it will never satisfy him. It never satisfies me.
I am not saying that as a sheep, I am not going back to that darkness where I came from. There are a lot of wolf-acting sheep out there. I would like to go to that place as a sheep, carrying the Word of the Shepherd.
Right now, these sheep are preparing. Let these words be a warning. That these sheep will go out to the world with a powerful weapon. A weapon not in sharp teeth and claw but a weapon of love, understanding, and hope from the Shepherd.
I am fighting now with them. I am not alone in this fight now. The Shepherd’s got our back!